Quotes

It's all in the title!

"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love." A. Einstein

"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves." A. Einstein

"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio." R. Dangerfield

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof." R. Dangerfield "I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself." R. Dangerfield

"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time." G. Carlin

"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." G. Carlin

"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little." G. Carlin

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live." G. Carlin

"You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans." G. Carlin

"Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake." W. C. Fields

"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad." W. C. Fields

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally." W. C. Fields

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." H. Youngman

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me." H. Youngman

"If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving." H. Youngman